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Friday, October 5, 2012

Pregnant and miscarriage


Super long post peeps!


Ok now, i'm quite ready to tell the whole story hihi.
I was pregnant for the third!

Can remember vividly, i got all the pregnant signs like pening kepala, wanted to puke like all the time, penat sangat badan, tak lalu makan and of course i missed my period! Masa tu awal ramadhan, puasa tapi rasa letih yang lain macam.

So, 3rd day of puasa (21 Julai 2012) i did a test. Bought 2 test kits, satu murah satu yg lebih mahal. Cant wait untill tomorrow anymore, so i test dekat office jugak guna kit yang murah..hihi. Tak sabo dah nak tau.

*heart thumping*

                                 The test kit showed DOUBLE LINE!. What was my response?
I cried.
In
the
 toilet.

CANT BELIEVE MY EYES. Like seriously pregnant?? For the third? (ececeh, buat terkezut pulakk yekk)
Esok paginya, sebelum bersahur, buat test lagi.

Zooming. So clear!

Perasaan bercampur-campur. Actually takla total shock pun sebab....yeah well......
Ok time to confess, i want a baby. Rasa macam tetiba dah ready. We both didnt take/use any precaution and just wait and see the result kan. Cant believed it was that fast. Like really fast! I was soooo nervous ok nak ada yang ke 3. My husband response "eh..senangnye pregnant". I was like "lerr...macam la tak biasa" haha. But he was all relax and cool. Jadi saya pun rasa cool and happy too. Alhamdullilah, rezeki.

Time tu dah 6 weeks pregnant. Went for check up macam biasa, buat buku merah, itu ini. Everything was fine. Masa early preggy tu, bulan puasa. I was pregnant, fasting and breastfeed! Mencabar sangat rasa, terpaksa tinggal puasa beberapa hari. Aidilfitri pun berjalan lancar, buat open house, jalan sana sini.

Untill 3rd September tu (12 weeks pregnant), nak mandi pagi tu tengok2 ada brownish spot. Tapi sikit je la. Still datang kerja, brown spot still ada walau pun tak banyak. I was bleeding! Malam tu pegi check klinik swasta, did a scan. The doctor said she cant see the baby's heartbeat. Dia suruh repeat scan lagi 10 hari and bagi ubat kuatkan rahim. Risau sangat.

Esoknya (4th Sept), memang ada appointment doktor pakar kat klinik kesihatan. Saya attend sorang sebab datang awal 7.30 pagi, hubby came later sbb nk siapkan kids. She scanned twice and didnt see heartbeat too *cries blood*. Sedih sangat. The 'best' part, she said "tak nampak heartbeat baby la, u kena pegi hospital ni. Scan lagi untuk confirm. Kalau tak nampak (heartbeat) jugak, kena cuci tau. U naik ambulan skarang ok. Arini  kena duduk ward. Takleh tunggu lama2 ni, nanti kalau biar boleh kena jangkitan blah blah blah..."

I was like "doctor, cant you just give me an option? Let me call my hubby first la then i decide macam mana la ok". Dengan keadaan sedih dapat tahu news cenggitu, how la nk fikir dengan betul? Nak kena naik ambulan alone? Kereta tinggal? Husband? Kids? Aiyooh.

So i called husband, my ibu, frens to get an opinion. Nak pegi kat mana, buat apa and whatnot. My husband's response? As always cool like aircond. All he said was "ye ke? *silence*" Takde gelabah2 walaupun i knew, dia sangat sedih too.

Of course saya taknak pegi hospital gov. I was scared ok. So, called tempat bersalin Faris dulu, tanya macam mana, they said DnC's fee was about RM900 ++. Terkejut jugak, harga dah macam bersalin pulak hihi. I thought like 500 - 700 camtu. I was about to go to gov hospital je. Husband tak setuju. Dia cakap "sanggup ke? mesti ramai patient kat sana. Nanti doktor ntah busy ke, kena biar lama2, buat cincai2 ke, tak bius, kena share ward ramai, stay berhari2 plak..nak?" Ofkos he was not a straight forward person, cakap je la i-love-you-i-taknak-u-sakit-so-jom-pegi-swasta-mahal-takpe-asal-sihat hehe.

So, off we went to the specialist. Doctor scan, and said the same - tak nampak heartbeat. Kena cuci. Tengok gambar dekat scan tu, my baby dah ada tangan dan kaki.The doctor gave an options "nak buat esok atau tunggu lagi 3-4 hari? Takpe, no side effects kalau you nak tunggu sbb sometimes moms still tak dapat terima, so they want a second third opinion".

See. Totally different from previous doctor pfftt. At least lega la sikit kan. Memandangkan semua doktor pun cakap benda yang sama, so I agreed to do DnC (Dilation and Curettage). Kena puasa start 12malam sampai selesai. Time tu tak rasa sakit apa pun, tapi still bleeding.

Esoknya (5 Sept), appointment jam 8.30pagi, rest kejap. Pukul 10pagi, misi masukkan ubat lembutkan rahim supaya senang terbuka. Few minutes later, mula terasa contraction, sakit macam menstrual pain yang super heavy, pusing kiri kanan seba tak kena. Macam bersalin pun ada cuma takde rasa nak push. Genggam tangan husband. Hubby bacakan doa apa yang patut sbb tengok me menderita kesakitan. Cewah.

Tak sampai setengah jam. tetiba rasa macam darah keluar banyak dan terus hilang sakit. Masuk operation theatre, tengah berdiri nak naik atas katil tetiba keluar seketul besar darah atas lantai. Rasa nak pitam tengok. Doktor datang bius, 2 saat terus pengsan. Sedar2 ada atas katil ward, tak rasa apa langsung just pening effect dari bius. Rest a bit. Dalam kul 3 lebih dah discharged.

I've read somewhere, ada mommies yang buat DnC kena stay berhari2 di hospital, kontraksi berjam2 dan rasa sakit masa proses DnC. Alhamdulillah, everthing went well. So now, i've already experienced miscarriage.

Disebabkan tak tau gender baby, i thought i wanna give multi gender name for my 3rd baby. I named her/him Iman. Sebab saya teringat my friend ada sepasang anak, both bernama Iman (hai Dal! tiru nama anakmu ok). Tak tau nak fikir apa lagi. So why not, semoga dia jadi anak yang beriman. Syurga tempat mu sayang. Ibu loves you.

Knowing my baby's gone (never forget 5th Sept 2012), i feel so devastated. Dont know, what i did to receive this. Adakah sebab pemakanan? Maybe i take things for granted memandangkan ini dah 3rd baby, so i thought nothing to worry. Just chilled, eat like nobody's business, angkat berat, stress, sakan berjalan kesana sini, tak risau apa pun, or was it because i kept it as a secret from everyone (except hubby of course)? The previous two, all excited and bagitau semua org right after my testkit showed lines. Remember?

Whatver pun, If anyone i could blame on, i would say myself. Period.

But I know, Allah is All-knowing. Apa yang terjadi adalah ujian terhadap hambaNya. Maybe because of all my wrongdoings, Allah balas di dunia dengan cara begini. Mungkin segalah kesedihan dan kesakitan yang Allah beri adalah untuk menghapuskan dosa-dosa kecil. InsyaAllah. Allah knows best. Belum sampai rezeki bagi adik kat budak2 tu lagi :)

  I am ok right now. Have move on with my life.
                                  Tapi, Ibu wiil never forget you baby Iman. Sobs.                               
                                 
                                   And thanks for your all good supports dear friends!

3 comments:

izzah azfar said...

farah : 1stly, akak tak sangka sangat..rasa lambat sangat tau then cepat2 sms awak...

apapun yg berlaku ada hikmah, after 6 months nanti,rahim dah kuat semua..bagi farish n kakaknya adik pula ya..masih muda.

nur ramziyah halil said...

dear farah...so suprise u're preggy...tp insyallah sume ni kerja Allah kan..dia tau yg terbaik utk kita...tak pe2..after u ready...try again ya... :) owh...igt jaga diri tau..pasni kalau nk preggy get reaady awal2...hihih...

*akak not ready yet :) maybe nex year kot :)

~farah~ said...

kak izah : tq :)

kak gee : hhe, mmg tak bgtau sape pun, thanks :)

Friday, October 5, 2012

Pregnant and miscarriage


Super long post peeps!


Ok now, i'm quite ready to tell the whole story hihi.
I was pregnant for the third!

Can remember vividly, i got all the pregnant signs like pening kepala, wanted to puke like all the time, penat sangat badan, tak lalu makan and of course i missed my period! Masa tu awal ramadhan, puasa tapi rasa letih yang lain macam.

So, 3rd day of puasa (21 Julai 2012) i did a test. Bought 2 test kits, satu murah satu yg lebih mahal. Cant wait untill tomorrow anymore, so i test dekat office jugak guna kit yang murah..hihi. Tak sabo dah nak tau.

*heart thumping*

                                 The test kit showed DOUBLE LINE!. What was my response?
I cried.
In
the
 toilet.

CANT BELIEVE MY EYES. Like seriously pregnant?? For the third? (ececeh, buat terkezut pulakk yekk)
Esok paginya, sebelum bersahur, buat test lagi.

Zooming. So clear!

Perasaan bercampur-campur. Actually takla total shock pun sebab....yeah well......
Ok time to confess, i want a baby. Rasa macam tetiba dah ready. We both didnt take/use any precaution and just wait and see the result kan. Cant believed it was that fast. Like really fast! I was soooo nervous ok nak ada yang ke 3. My husband response "eh..senangnye pregnant". I was like "lerr...macam la tak biasa" haha. But he was all relax and cool. Jadi saya pun rasa cool and happy too. Alhamdullilah, rezeki.

Time tu dah 6 weeks pregnant. Went for check up macam biasa, buat buku merah, itu ini. Everything was fine. Masa early preggy tu, bulan puasa. I was pregnant, fasting and breastfeed! Mencabar sangat rasa, terpaksa tinggal puasa beberapa hari. Aidilfitri pun berjalan lancar, buat open house, jalan sana sini.

Untill 3rd September tu (12 weeks pregnant), nak mandi pagi tu tengok2 ada brownish spot. Tapi sikit je la. Still datang kerja, brown spot still ada walau pun tak banyak. I was bleeding! Malam tu pegi check klinik swasta, did a scan. The doctor said she cant see the baby's heartbeat. Dia suruh repeat scan lagi 10 hari and bagi ubat kuatkan rahim. Risau sangat.

Esoknya (4th Sept), memang ada appointment doktor pakar kat klinik kesihatan. Saya attend sorang sebab datang awal 7.30 pagi, hubby came later sbb nk siapkan kids. She scanned twice and didnt see heartbeat too *cries blood*. Sedih sangat. The 'best' part, she said "tak nampak heartbeat baby la, u kena pegi hospital ni. Scan lagi untuk confirm. Kalau tak nampak (heartbeat) jugak, kena cuci tau. U naik ambulan skarang ok. Arini  kena duduk ward. Takleh tunggu lama2 ni, nanti kalau biar boleh kena jangkitan blah blah blah..."

I was like "doctor, cant you just give me an option? Let me call my hubby first la then i decide macam mana la ok". Dengan keadaan sedih dapat tahu news cenggitu, how la nk fikir dengan betul? Nak kena naik ambulan alone? Kereta tinggal? Husband? Kids? Aiyooh.

So i called husband, my ibu, frens to get an opinion. Nak pegi kat mana, buat apa and whatnot. My husband's response? As always cool like aircond. All he said was "ye ke? *silence*" Takde gelabah2 walaupun i knew, dia sangat sedih too.

Of course saya taknak pegi hospital gov. I was scared ok. So, called tempat bersalin Faris dulu, tanya macam mana, they said DnC's fee was about RM900 ++. Terkejut jugak, harga dah macam bersalin pulak hihi. I thought like 500 - 700 camtu. I was about to go to gov hospital je. Husband tak setuju. Dia cakap "sanggup ke? mesti ramai patient kat sana. Nanti doktor ntah busy ke, kena biar lama2, buat cincai2 ke, tak bius, kena share ward ramai, stay berhari2 plak..nak?" Ofkos he was not a straight forward person, cakap je la i-love-you-i-taknak-u-sakit-so-jom-pegi-swasta-mahal-takpe-asal-sihat hehe.

So, off we went to the specialist. Doctor scan, and said the same - tak nampak heartbeat. Kena cuci. Tengok gambar dekat scan tu, my baby dah ada tangan dan kaki.The doctor gave an options "nak buat esok atau tunggu lagi 3-4 hari? Takpe, no side effects kalau you nak tunggu sbb sometimes moms still tak dapat terima, so they want a second third opinion".

See. Totally different from previous doctor pfftt. At least lega la sikit kan. Memandangkan semua doktor pun cakap benda yang sama, so I agreed to do DnC (Dilation and Curettage). Kena puasa start 12malam sampai selesai. Time tu tak rasa sakit apa pun, tapi still bleeding.

Esoknya (5 Sept), appointment jam 8.30pagi, rest kejap. Pukul 10pagi, misi masukkan ubat lembutkan rahim supaya senang terbuka. Few minutes later, mula terasa contraction, sakit macam menstrual pain yang super heavy, pusing kiri kanan seba tak kena. Macam bersalin pun ada cuma takde rasa nak push. Genggam tangan husband. Hubby bacakan doa apa yang patut sbb tengok me menderita kesakitan. Cewah.

Tak sampai setengah jam. tetiba rasa macam darah keluar banyak dan terus hilang sakit. Masuk operation theatre, tengah berdiri nak naik atas katil tetiba keluar seketul besar darah atas lantai. Rasa nak pitam tengok. Doktor datang bius, 2 saat terus pengsan. Sedar2 ada atas katil ward, tak rasa apa langsung just pening effect dari bius. Rest a bit. Dalam kul 3 lebih dah discharged.

I've read somewhere, ada mommies yang buat DnC kena stay berhari2 di hospital, kontraksi berjam2 dan rasa sakit masa proses DnC. Alhamdulillah, everthing went well. So now, i've already experienced miscarriage.

Disebabkan tak tau gender baby, i thought i wanna give multi gender name for my 3rd baby. I named her/him Iman. Sebab saya teringat my friend ada sepasang anak, both bernama Iman (hai Dal! tiru nama anakmu ok). Tak tau nak fikir apa lagi. So why not, semoga dia jadi anak yang beriman. Syurga tempat mu sayang. Ibu loves you.

Knowing my baby's gone (never forget 5th Sept 2012), i feel so devastated. Dont know, what i did to receive this. Adakah sebab pemakanan? Maybe i take things for granted memandangkan ini dah 3rd baby, so i thought nothing to worry. Just chilled, eat like nobody's business, angkat berat, stress, sakan berjalan kesana sini, tak risau apa pun, or was it because i kept it as a secret from everyone (except hubby of course)? The previous two, all excited and bagitau semua org right after my testkit showed lines. Remember?

Whatver pun, If anyone i could blame on, i would say myself. Period.

But I know, Allah is All-knowing. Apa yang terjadi adalah ujian terhadap hambaNya. Maybe because of all my wrongdoings, Allah balas di dunia dengan cara begini. Mungkin segalah kesedihan dan kesakitan yang Allah beri adalah untuk menghapuskan dosa-dosa kecil. InsyaAllah. Allah knows best. Belum sampai rezeki bagi adik kat budak2 tu lagi :)

  I am ok right now. Have move on with my life.
                                  Tapi, Ibu wiil never forget you baby Iman. Sobs.                               
                                 
                                   And thanks for your all good supports dear friends!

3 comments:

izzah azfar

farah : 1stly, akak tak sangka sangat..rasa lambat sangat tau then cepat2 sms awak...

apapun yg berlaku ada hikmah, after 6 months nanti,rahim dah kuat semua..bagi farish n kakaknya adik pula ya..masih muda.

nur ramziyah halil

dear farah...so suprise u're preggy...tp insyallah sume ni kerja Allah kan..dia tau yg terbaik utk kita...tak pe2..after u ready...try again ya... :) owh...igt jaga diri tau..pasni kalau nk preggy get reaady awal2...hihih...

*akak not ready yet :) maybe nex year kot :)

~farah~

kak izah : tq :)

kak gee : hhe, mmg tak bgtau sape pun, thanks :)